If This Is Love Signed Paperback

“A WHITE CASKET AND GRILLED CHEESE

Fletcher Ellington purchased me for the bargain price of one million dollars. A gift for his wife, Ruthie.

I was four years old.

Ruthie sewed floral sun dresses and ran a boar-bristle brush through my hair every morning. She taught me to read Magic Tree House books, paint pictures to express my feelings, and question everything. We spent hours in her gardens, where I learned a tiny seed can turn into a “shit-ton” of zucchini. Fletcher’s word, not mine.

Now, she’s dead.

“Indie will be so lost,” Faye, Ruthie’s older sister, whispers to Grandma Hill while Ruthie’s casket disappears into the ground. It’s a polished white casket, shinier than Greg’s casket.

He died last year in an ATV accident. I was sad he died, and his wife and daughter didn’t. I know that’s bad, but Pauline (Fletcher’s sister) and my so-called cousin, Jolene, are terrible people. Everyone on Fletcher’s side of the family is terrible. Jolene is seven years older than me, and I hate her. Ruthie told me never to hate anyone, but I can’t help it. Jolene never misses an opportunity to remind me that I’m an “impostor.” Children purchased like racing horses and livestock are not “blood” family.

Someday, I’m going to get back at her. I’m going to take something that she wants. And I’ll stick my tongue out, even though Ruthie always told me nice girls don’t have to stick their tongues out. But I’ll do it anyway just to see Jolene’s freckled face turn red and steam shoot from her big nostrils.

For now, I can’t think about stupid Jolene. Instead, I focus on birds chirping while the breeze carries the slight smell of manure up the hill to our gathering around Ruthie’s grave. Fletcher falls to his knees next to the grave. I can’t imagine feeling worse if he were my real father grieving my real mother. Greg used to say that blood is thicker than water, but Ruthie said he wasn’t using the saying correctly. “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” Ruthie said it meant the opposite. “The bonds we make by choice are stronger than the bonds of family (the water of the womb.“ Ruthie said it meant the opposite. “The bonds we make by choice are stronger than the bonds of family (the water of the womb).” And the only reason Uncle Greg and my mom had this argument was because Greg thought Jolene was more deserving than I was because she was his biological daughter.

I am the purchased livestock.